i got a sudden urge to come back. dang dang dang.


i hate chinese. hah. have the test tmr and great, frm start of sch till now, i think i opened my book less than 3times. /: so imagine wht's gna happen tmr ! whee. but heng tmr no ciyu. but there's zaoju ! and i know nuts abt wht im supposed to study. aiyah, heck. tmr den borror the shou ce lah. UGHHHHHH. i shall dedicate the night to geog and thts all. byebye chinese ! :D


im so nonsensical nowadays. must be due to the peers around me. hah ! so, i shall try to blog something tht makes sense. yups.







i know im supposed to let go but i dont know how to. things aint as fine as i think, afterall. yes Lord, i know i must let go of things so tht i can receive Your plans for me... but i guess wht mel said the other day makes a whole lot of sense ? its true lah, and i dont even know whn she started seeing the inner part of me tht i thought i had concealed up alr. sighs. tough girl on the outside but a weak one inside ? guess its true. since frm the past, i've always told myself tht i needed to build this 'wall' to protect me frm other hurts and pains. and im afraid of accepting things because im afraid tht someday these things might come in time to hurt me. i dont wanna face the pain and hurts of life so whnever smth happens, i put on this 'face' tht im fine and strong and tht it doesnt affect me. but of cos, deep inside, there is so much pain tht i've been trying to numb myself. call me egostic but yes i do agree, i have a big pride. times whn things happen, i wish i cld gather the courage to speak out and ask but of couse, it just boils down to the P word. besides, i've always thought i created an image for myself tht im always nonchalent abt things but yes, i do care and get affected. everyone does right ? im not referring to any matter or issue but i guess mel's word really hit me hard tht day. its like being shown the heart and emotions of urself and u actually get a shock because u nvr thought how serious things were actually in. yeah, i guess the past has really been traumatic for me but somehow, i've alr hidden them so deep in me tht i considered it forgotten. which is also why things are so difficult for the Lord to work in me, to deliver me. because i always think tht im fine and okay. when in fact, im not in the least alright.

right now, i feel pity for myself. so much so for all the 'protection' i've built around me. which only in turn led to me not having confidence in everything. everything tht i do, i always wished for the least. be it for tests or anything. as long as i get the min things, im satisfied. looking at others who always wished of reaching the sky, i wonder how they manage to get the confidence frm. but i've realised i need not wish for the stars only, cos i can wish for the sky. i need to open up i guess, i need to stop being so... afraid. cos now with Lord, He'll aid me in things tht i do and i need to have faith in him i guess. the past has gone and we must let go and forget, and to look forward to accomplish His' plans. i need to put down my pride so tht i can achieve greater things for the Lord. yeah, mel's right. the process will defintely hurt alot because i need to let God cleanse the things i've done, and i need to face the hard facts. and of cos, they say the life of a christian is full of ups and downs. im willing to do everything for God of course, but there's far more things i've yet to learn. and yes, praise Lord for all the nice people He have put in my life. yeah, setbacks are coming in at this time, devil's gna manipulate me and deceive me at this low point but NO, i will stand strong. i will not bow down to the devil. yes, i will go strong.

may Your strength be with me and the difficulties strengthen me more.